I'll be leaving my wife behind. It comforts me to know that she won't want for material needs. I have no desire to expose her to anything horrific. I intend in dying to spare her the sight of blood. Unbeknownst to her, I'll slip silently from this world. After I'm dead, I'd like her to imagine I simply passed on without warning. If she believes I lost my senses, then that too is acceptable.
Ten days have passed since I decided to end my life. Please appreciate that the greater part of that time has gone into laying out my past for you on these pages. My initial thought was to talk with you face to face. However, once I started writing I was soon satisfied that this is the better way to candidly set forth my life. I didn't approach this task lightly. My past, the events that made me who I am, is part of the human story, and a part that no one else can tell. I believe that these efforts, to leave for posterity an honest accounting of my life, will not be in vain, but will serve both you and others in understanding the human condition. I was told the other day how Watanabe Kazan pushed off the hour of his own death by a week in order to finish his painting "Kantan." Some might dismiss this as vain effort, but there's no doubt the man had his reasons, some pull on his heart that allowed him to do no less. My own efforts are motivated by much more than just my promise to you. It's largely my own longing that spurs me on.
That longing, however, has now been put to rest. I've done what I needed to do. By the time this letter reaches you, I'll be gone from this world. I'll have already passed away. My wife left ten days ago for her aunt's residence in Shibuya. Her aunt is ill and in need of assistance, and I encouraged her to go. I've written the greater part of this in her absence. On the occasions she's returned home, I've concealed it from her.
I offer this past of mine, unadulaterated, to all who might seek it. However, you must accept that my wife is the sole exception. She's never to know these things. My sole request is for her memories of me to remain as they are, largely untarnished. Even after my death, for as long as she lives, you're to seal these revelations in your heart, as secrets of mine entrusted to you alone.